Happiness is a Dish Best Served Hot – With Ice Cream.

Happiness is a fickle fellow; sometimes bestowing you with lots of love and attention and other times leaving you to go and neck some beer at the local titty bar. It’s usually at this point that his accomplice depression taps you on the shoulder and promises never to run off like happiness did.

But there are ways to coax happiness back into your home and in the process send depression bouncing out into the street on his backside.

So here are 5 joy bringing suggestions for 5 important areas of your life. There’s no need to pay me for these potentially life changing ideas but I may just call in at your home unannounced one day and I’ll expect dinner and lodgings for the night. Agreed?

1. MUSIC.

Music can play an important part in our lives; it can improve your mood and create a feeling of well-being. But isn’t listening to your favourite band on a stereo a little distancing? Shouldn’t music be more intimate? Well how about this little idea. These days you can play music through your mobile phone. So why not play an album from your favourite band quietly through your phone, put it to your ear and just imagine they have rung you up and are giving you a personal concert down the line.

2. FRIENDS.

Maybe the reason you’re unhappy is because you’re lonely. Well here’s a quick tip for you. Take an ordinary pedal bin and stick a pair of ping pong balls on the top with little dots for eyes. And then with a quick move of your foot, you’ll have an amusing conversational buddy who just loves to devour your waste. I call mine Donny Detritus and we talk into the small hours of the night – every single night. I don’t know what I’d do without Donny – and I mean as a friend, not just because without him, my home would be covered in dirty stinking garbage.

3.WORK.

Perhaps work is the source of your misery. Then why not try this little scheme. Take a holiday from your job – to your job. That’s right, book a week off but then come into work and treat everything you do like a vacation. Have a lot of photocopying to do? Why not whoop and cheer while you do it and imagine that you’re playing a crazy poolside game. Got some data entry that’ll probably last 4 hours? Place a desk lamp pointing at you and treat the typing like you’re rubbing sun block on a sexy body. Got a few important meetings to attend? Laugh your way through them and make sure there’s plenty of high fives and tequila slammers for everyone. And if some spoil sport boss asks you to tone down your Hawaiian shirt and short ensemble then just pick up your surf board and leave. You can always do a bit of sunbathing on the grass verge outside.

4. FOOD AND DRINK. (TEA)

Nothing cheers us up like a nice cup of tea. But imagine a cup of tea with the promise of a smiling celebrity at the end of it. Simply cut out a picture of your favourite superstar, have it laminated and stick it at the bottom of your cup. So when you’ve finished that lovely cup of tea (with six sugars) you’ll see the smiling face of your idol at the bottom.

5. THE HOME. (FENG SHUI)

Most likely if someone came up to you rabbiting on about Feng Shui, you’d probably say loudly: “I AM SORRY, I DO NOT KNOW WHERE THE POLISH EMBASSY IS!” But really they’re only trying to help you. Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese tradition which involves the arrangement of interior space to achieve a sense of harmony and happiness. At a basic level, this means that if you’ve got your home arranged in the wrong way then there’s a very real chance that it could be causing you unhappiness or even illness (don’t blame the house, it’s not his fault, look he’s crying now) So take my word for it, you’re going to have to take the ch’i by the horns here and sort this out.

For a start make sure there are no shoes by the front or back doors of your house. This is bad energy. Even worse is tripping over them on the way out and braining yourself on the pavement. So move them.

Also make sure you sleep in a proper bed with a frame and not just a mattress on the floor. If there’s one thing ch’i (life energy) can’t stand, it’s not being able to circulate all around your room. And it’s a good thing not to make ch’i mad – he might only be energy but there are many eyewitness accounts that say he’s able to wield a bat.

Feng Shui really works as well. I can vouch for that. I mean my bedroom is a haven of happiness and harmony. How so? Well I’ve moved my set of draws so it blocks the door and I’ve got the wardrobe in front of the window. The authorities can’t get me if they can’t find me. Evil on the outside! Evil on the outside! Evil on the outside! Ahahahaha!

Sorry. I sneezed just now. Although from your point of view it may have sounded like a nervous breakdown. But it wasn’t.

So there you go, a few ways to bring happiness back into your life. I hope this helps.

Come on Donny Detritus let’s go home. I’ve got a stale half eaten sandwich with your name on it inside.