Hey New Year – Resolve this!

New Year’s Resolutions. Every year I set myself a resolution not to make any resolutions but I always realise my mistake too late. The damage is done. This year I didn’t ban resolutions, I just resolved to make sure they didn’t all revolve around a resolve. I realised my mistake too late. The damage was done.

I made other resolutions as well though; the kind that we all come up with in the new year in an attempt to make us better people. I promised to be a little more courteous and hold doors open for people, especially revolving ones and to say thank you more often, especially when elbowing people out of the way as I walk through crowds.

I also made resolutions about spending money when I don’t need to. This week alone I’ve saved a fortune by refusing to tip waitresses in fancy restaurants and only throwing coins into fountains not notes (and credit cards). In fact I’m so happy with my monetary progress I might splurge a bit next week. Could I have another bottle of champagne waitress and if you’re quick, there’s no tip in for you (wink).

Of course, some people might say. Why only make these resolutions at the beginning of a year rather than just try to improve yourself over the whole year? Well the simple answer to these people is you should make a resolution to keep your nose out of my business. You’re lucky I resolved to be more courteous because otherwise I’d be all over you like scalding cheese.

The most important thing to remember at this time of the year though, is to not get too bogged down with our resolutions. Because you might be concentrating so hard on eating less chocolate it may turn out that you’re been murdering people or committing treason and not realising it. Okay, you could say on the eve of 2009: “Well I should probably significantly lower my killings next year and show more allegiance to my mother country.” But I think it would be better to keep track of your everyday behaviour as well as the goals that you set yourself in the New Year. The cops have got enough on their hands you murdering treasonist.

Maybe next year I won’t resolve to do anything different. I’ll just have to make a firm beginning-of-the-year decision to steer clear of resolutions altogether. You’ll see, at midnight the 1^st of January, I’ll sit there smugly and make a definite commitment to ignore resolutions. You won’t see them sneaking up on me, I’ll make a special 2009 promise on that.

So long resolutions.