Newspapers are funny things. You only use them for one day and then they’re obsolete. So yesterday’s paper has been kicked off its throne by the more vital and modern beast that is today’s paper. But don’t get too cocky today’s paper because tomorrow you’re yesterday’s paper so you’d be smart to treat yesterday’s paper with some respect today because you’ll be in the exact same spot as yesterday’s paper is in today, tomorrow. Do I make myself clear?
I only peruse newspapers when I literally have nothing else to read, it’s kind of like a barrier against the world; something I put up to ward off strange people. If I look busy and block them out with a newspaper they usually won’t wander over and nonchalantly inform me of their latest victim and how hard it was to conceal the corpse. I certainly don’t read the papers for news because they too often deal with rumour and gossip rather than hard facts and make a habit of inventing their own reality just to fill the pages. I mean really weird, out there stories like the one where Elvis is found in the jungles of Borneo telling tales of his rock n roll excess and recommending his favourite fast food eateries from around the globe. That’s tabloid garbage of the lowest order. I mean I saw the guy just the other day wearing a high-vis vest supervising the construction of a new nursing home. We had a little chat and he told me he wasn’t aware of the story and had never even been to Borneo. But he did recommend a newly opened local steakhouse; apparently they do a fantastic half-pounder with cheese and bacon. I have heard opinions to the contrary but I will always yield to The King’s expertise. So if you’re happy to read about this little fantasy world that the newspapers concoct then fine but don’t expect the truth.
ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING SITE.
Of course all these mucky tabloid rags try to back up their insane stories with pictures but again the photos will be doctored to meet their needs; I mean in the Borneo story Presley was still wearing his high-vis for crying out loud. And half the time a picture doesn’t tell the whole story anyway. You might think why do I care so much, what have the newspapers ever done to me? Let me tell you a story; once upon a time the police were hunting a killer (a real compost heap of a man) and some filthy pap hiding in a skip took a photo of the killer talking to me; he had wandered over and was nonchalantly telling me of his latest victim and how hard it was to conceal the corpse. So up pops the article a few days later and I’m now supposedly his accomplice. Unbelievable. Long story short, a certain Big E used his connections to sort it all out and we all had a slap up meal at the new steakhouse. But the thing is if there had been a newspaper around for me to ward off the killer then all this never would have happened.
So newspapers – there when you don’t want them and not there when you do. Thankfully people eventually forget because it’s yesterday’s news in yesterday’s paper. But don’t get too cocky today’s paper – do you really think people are gonna believe your article about 2Pac being a straight talking tour guide in Cambodia. I saw him packing shelves in my local supermarket just the other day. Oh how he’ll laugh when I tell him.
Newspapers are good to make hats out of.