Rebel Without a Pond.

 

 

How does looking at that picture make you feel; seeing that portly amphibian just sitting there on his trusty motorcycle without a care in the world? I’m guessing that 9 out of 10 of you looking at that image will smile, maybe even force a hoot out of your upper orifice, but you’d be wrong to do so. Actually I’d go as far as saying its prejudice to laugh at or mock a frog on a bike. And here’s my reasoning.

You’ve probably all heard of evolution; the act of developing certain physical or mental attributes to better help your survival. Well that’s an ongoing thing you know. It’s not just something that happened a long time ago when apes ruled the Earth with their frantic arm waving and copious stone throwing; it exists every minute of every day. Actually, scientists believe we evolved from apes, so that would explain why we like to wave our arms frantically (hailing a taxi) and throw stones (when it doesn’t stop for us).

In fact right now, all living things on this planet are evolving. It’s a slow process though, so there’s no point in sitting in front of a Duck Billed Platypus and waiting to see what other crazy features pop out of him. It takes generations.

Actually I wouldn’t recommend sitting in front of a Duck Billed Platypus anyway. I’ve heard they’re quite aggressive and have a fondness for human eyes. They scoop them out with their bills. You aren’t eating dinner now are you?

So yes, evolution is going on right now and this brings us back to the Fonz from earlier.

You’re probably still tittering like a schoolgirl at the little fellow astride his diesel machine aren’t you? But what if this picture is a result of evolution? What if this particular frog has grown tired of his daily routine? What if he doesn’t want to almost get killed everyday crossing the busy road to get home to see Mrs Croak and the tadpole triplets? What if he has evolved to ride a motorcycle because of this? And what if he’s just testing the water with this bike and intends to upgrade to an SUV so he and the family can actually join the road and see where it takes them?

Think about that. Have you thunk? Yeah and I bet your prejudice just took a beating. Not laughing now are you?

I’m being serious here though. It’s a frog on a motorcycle sure and yeah I can see the funny side of that. But it’s not a spider piloting a jet plane or a manatee on a zip-line – that would be absurd.

Incidentally, I was out walking the other day and I saw a sloth driving a digger. I thought – good luck to him, he’s trying to better himself. Evolution in action.

Although I’ll admit, he was really taking his time over what he was doing.

Some things never change.

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Cosmopolitan Plus Important Equals Cosmoportant

I recently found a copy of Muramuselle’s Cosmopolitan magazine and started to flick through it. There was an interesting article called ‘How to Get Closer to Him’ in the Love and Lust section. It was a very interesting read, with lots of tips on how to please a man. For instance, one of the tips was: Why not buy him his favourite pizza and send it to his office. I thought: yeah nice idea but what if he’s a taxi or bus driver? Are you going to have the delivery boy chase him around town trying to post the pizza through the window of his vehicle?

There were other tips that were a bit more practical, and I’ve noted down quite a few of them. Mental note and paper note. Also computer. But it got me thinking, why do guys never get the same helpful tips about women? Because sometimes we have trouble pleasing our ladies and could use a little help from time to time.

So that’s what I’ve done here, compiled a short list of tips to please your woman. I did my research for this too; watching both men and women closely to better understand them. I was thrown out of countless swimming pools for researching a little too closely in the changing rooms, but it was worth it. So without further ado:

MURAMUSU PRESENTS…

How to Get Closer to Her (without the use of a telephoto lense)

• Why not slip a handkerchief in her bag with a cute message on it. Something like: “You’re my little love duckling.” Or “Kisses and cuddles my smoochy piglet.” It’ll make her day.

• Maybe you could leave a message on her voice mail. Something that makes her feel wanted and to show how much you look forward to seeing her. How about: “I’ll be waiting for you when you get home with my trousers down.”

• A little tip for you, girls love breakfast in bed. So why not surprise her with a full English breakfast in the morning and to make it even more of a surprise why not start to feed it to her before she’s even awake.

• For a real treat why not bring some special ‘toys’ into the bedroom. It always spices up a long dark night. Don’t be shy about this. I can still remember the first time I tried this and it went down a treat. Muramuselle wondered why I was looking so smug sitting there in bed but then she pulled back the covers and saw the ‘toys’ laying there. “You’re a bad boy” she purred as she climbed into bed with me. Hungry Hungry Hippos, Jenga and then Buckaroo. That was one wild night beneath the sheets (with a torch). We also played Pop-up Pirate but that’s another story.

• Women love gifts. So on your way home from work, why not pick something up that’ll make her feel good. Maybe a small tool kit if she ever feels like doing odd jobs around the house or the book Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for Dummies (Did she ever really recover mentally from falling off her bike as a kid?)

• Girls often feel left out when the guys are having a poker night or watching the wheelchair basketball on television. So instead of ignoring her or sending her off to the cinema with some money, why not involve her in the proceedings. Make her feel wanted. Perhaps she could fetch the drinks? Or cook you up some delicious snacks? Even just having the guys slap her behind as she goes past let’s her know she’s appreciated.

• Hugging and touching is important in a relationship. Professional relationship councillors say we should touch (hug, stroke, caress, shake hands with) our partners at least 5 times a day. I know, we thought the only 5-a-day guidelines we had to worry about were the fruit/vegetable one and the passing stool one but apparently the touching one is just as important. I find combining them into one 15-a-day guideline is handy. I call it the FTAS rule: The Fruit, Touch and Stool rule. Just don’t try to combine these to save time. That could end your relationship rather than help it.

• When we hug our partners, it’s usually only for 3-5 seconds. But sometimes this just isn’t long enough to show your partner how much you love them. So at least once during the day, hug them for 10-15 seconds and don’t warn them when you’re going to do it. You might even want to count the seconds in your head, or even out loud if you trust your mouth over your brain. But remember if your partner starts to struggle, just continue to hold her close and whisper in her ear: “It’s for the best baby.”

• Role-Playing. For some couples it’s a real turn on to have their partner act out a fantasy role for them or be the one acting out the fantasy. You might think this practice is silly or immature but a lot of Hollywood’s greatest stars caught the acting bug while dressed as a fireman/nurse performing for their partner/sex specialist (prostitute). So don’t be embarrassed about it. Here are a few roles you could try playing: Lawyer, Hygiene officer, retired Superhero and Paramedic. This is pretty much all I can think of.

• Sometimes when your partner gets home and she’s had a busy day, she doesn’t want you talking into her face as soon as she comes through the door, so why not just stay quiet (that means shut up). Then simply sit her down at the dining table and both eat your meal in silence. When she wants to talk she will. I find staring at her as much as possible helps calm her down and shows that you’re being attentive.

• When you think a relationship is becoming a little stale, try to add some excitement to it. I once had the great idea of holding a surprise party for Muramuselle. It wasn’t her birthday or even an anniversary; I just wanted to surprise and delight her. I couldn’t get hold of her friends at such short notice so I printed out life size pictures of their faces and stuck them onto some mannequins I had previously purchased off eBay. I also set the party in the attic to add an extra layer of surprise; I was going to ask her if she could fetch something from there because I was busy on the toilet (part of the FTAS rule). And I also set up a special trip wire effect so when she crossed it, her mannequin ‘friends’ would pop up in front of her and I’d come up behind her at that exact moment and yell “SURPRISE!”

• It was the perfect plan.

• Except it wasn’t.

• The trip wire was too sturdy and she actually fell forward just as a dummy popped up underneath her chin. This blow left her shocked and quite confused. And as she staggered back she noticed the dummies with her friend’s faces standing there and she mistook them for demons that had murdered her friends and were now wearing their faces as some kind of gruesome trophy. What made it worse was the dummy in the middle had no face at all because it had slipped off, so as far as she was concerned, he was the leader of this collection of hell-sent villains. Also the trip wire/pop up contraption had shorted out a fuse and the lights were flickering like crazy. And unbeknownst to me, there was a laughing doll in there somewhere that had been set off by a nudge from a mannequin.

• It was at this exact moment that I came up behind her and yelled “SURPRISE!”

• It took 3 weeks before my face healed after the blow from her elbow. And it was a further 7 weeks before poor Muramuselle could speak again. But it certainly added a little spark to our lives. You could try something similar - not too similar though. Actually it’s probably just best to buy her a kitten.

So there you go. I hope my list helped in some way. If you want to add any additional hints and tips on pleasing either gender then please leave them in the comments area.

Now if you don’t mind I have to go and complete my FTAS. Hey I can read Cosmopolitan while I’m at it.

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Happiness is a Dish Best Served Hot - With Ice Cream.

Happiness is a fickle fellow; sometimes bestowing you with lots of love and attention and other times leaving you to go and neck some beer at the local titty bar. It’s usually at this point that his accomplice depression taps you on the shoulder and promises never to run off like happiness did.

But there are ways to coax happiness back into your home and in the process send depression bouncing out into the street on his backside.

So here are 5 joy bringing suggestions for 5 important areas of your life. There’s no need to pay me for these potentially life changing ideas but I may just call in at your home unannounced one day and I’ll expect dinner and lodgings for the night. Agreed?

1. MUSIC.

Music can play an important part in our lives; it can improve your mood and create a feeling of well-being. But isn’t listening to your favourite band on a stereo a little distancing? Shouldn’t music be more intimate? Well how about this little idea. These days you can play music through your mobile phone. So why not play an album from your favourite band quietly through your phone, put it to your ear and just imagine they have rung you up and are giving you a personal concert down the line.

2. FRIENDS.

Maybe the reason you’re unhappy is because you’re lonely. Well here’s a quick tip for you. Take an ordinary pedal bin and stick a pair of ping pong balls on the top with little dots for eyes. And then with a quick move of your foot, you’ll have an amusing conversational buddy who just loves to devour your waste. I call mine Donny Detritus and we talk into the small hours of the night – every single night. I don’t know what I’d do without Donny – and I mean as a friend, not just because without him, my home would be covered in dirty stinking garbage.

3.WORK.

Perhaps work is the source of your misery. Then why not try this little scheme. Take a holiday from your job – to your job. That’s right, book a week off but then come into work and treat everything you do like a vacation. Have a lot of photocopying to do? Why not whoop and cheer while you do it and imagine that you’re playing a crazy poolside game. Got some data entry that’ll probably last 4 hours? Place a desk lamp pointing at you and treat the typing like you’re rubbing sun block on a sexy body. Got a few important meetings to attend? Laugh your way through them and make sure there’s plenty of high fives and tequila slammers for everyone. And if some spoil sport boss asks you to tone down your Hawaiian shirt and short ensemble then just pick up your surf board and leave. You can always do a bit of sunbathing on the grass verge outside.

4. FOOD AND DRINK. (TEA)

Nothing cheers us up like a nice cup of tea. But imagine a cup of tea with the promise of a smiling celebrity at the end of it. Simply cut out a picture of your favourite superstar, have it laminated and stick it at the bottom of your cup. So when you’ve finished that lovely cup of tea (with six sugars) you’ll see the smiling face of your idol at the bottom.

5. THE HOME. (FENG SHUI)

Most likely if someone came up to you rabbiting on about Feng Shui, you’d probably say loudly: “I AM SORRY, I DO NOT KNOW WHERE THE POLISH EMBASSY IS!” But really they’re only trying to help you. Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese tradition which involves the arrangement of interior space to achieve a sense of harmony and happiness. At a basic level, this means that if you’ve got your home arranged in the wrong way then there’s a very real chance that it could be causing you unhappiness or even illness (don’t blame the house, it’s not his fault, look he’s crying now) So take my word for it, you’re going to have to take the ch’i by the horns here and sort this out.

For a start make sure there are no shoes by the front or back doors of your house. This is bad energy. Even worse is tripping over them on the way out and braining yourself on the pavement. So move them.

Also make sure you sleep in a proper bed with a frame and not just a mattress on the floor. If there’s one thing ch’i (life energy) can’t stand, it’s not being able to circulate all around your room. And it’s a good thing not to make ch’i mad - he might only be energy but there are many eyewitness accounts that say he’s able to wield a bat.

Feng Shui really works as well. I can vouch for that. I mean my bedroom is a haven of happiness and harmony. How so? Well I’ve moved my set of draws so it blocks the door and I’ve got the wardrobe in front of the window. The authorities can’t get me if they can’t find me. Evil on the outside! Evil on the outside! Evil on the outside! Ahahahaha!

Sorry. I sneezed just now. Although from your point of view it may have sounded like a nervous breakdown. But it wasn’t.

So there you go, a few ways to bring happiness back into your life. I hope this helps.

Come on Donny Detritus let’s go home. I’ve got a stale half eaten sandwich with your name on it inside.

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Cloverfield, Cloverfield Wherefore Art Thou Cloverfield?

Right off the bat: It’s not a damn lion! Well I hope not.

The new film by producer J.J. Abrams (Lost) and director Matt Reeves (something he’s done before) is a strange beast (also features one) in that for once we don’t know a hell of a lot about it. A huge monster attacks New York and we see video camera footage of it doing so. And that’s it. We don’t know anything else apart from that. Well, the monster is a bit clumsy with his kick-ups (see the statue of liberty head scene) but beyond that we’re relatively clueless.

We’re so used to seeing promos for blockbuster movies show pretty much all the coolest bits in a flash cut, hyper-speed, blink-and-you’ll-miss-the-whole-trailer kind of way, that to see a preview that only hints at the destructive epic we’re in for is a real breath of fresh air. Go on take a lung full. Actually don’t - it’s probably tarnished with rubble dust from fallen buildings and smashed bridges.

I recently saw the film I Am Legend. And that too was a film that held back something in its trailer – the creatures. Unfortunately when you finally saw them in all their poorly rendered, done-by-the-work-experience-boy CGI you wished they’d held them back for the whole film. But until we actually saw the film and watched it fall apart as the cheap videogame baddies started bouncing off the walls like a big bunch of pill popping Gollums, at least there was a mystery about it. We didn’t know everything there was to know when we went in.

Compare that with the Transformers preview; where 200 half a second clips are crammed into 2 minutes leaving anyone with a heart condition clutching their chest for dear life and anyone without a heart condition with a heart condition. I’ve never seen the film, but I feel I have, it was just ran at 20 times the normal speed and was called a trailer.

Incidentally, there was a trailer for another film before the full presentation of Transformers. It caught people’s attention because they didn’t know exactly what it was, but it sure looked interesting. The movie didn’t even have a title at that point. We now know it as Cloverfield. And I’m hoping it’ll break records like a hundred foot tall monster breaks heads off statues.

I just hope it turns out to be a good film. And I’ll spit if it turns out to be a lion.

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Hey New Year - Resolve this!

New Year’s Resolutions. Every year I set myself a resolution not to make any resolutions but I always realise my mistake too late. The damage is done. This year I didn’t ban resolutions, I just resolved to make sure they didn’t all revolve around a resolve. I realised my mistake too late. The damage was done.

I made other resolutions as well though; the kind that we all come up with in the new year in an attempt to make us better people. I promised to be a little more courteous and hold doors open for people, especially revolving ones and to say thank you more often, especially when elbowing people out of the way as I walk through crowds.

I also made resolutions about spending money when I don’t need to. This week alone I’ve saved a fortune by refusing to tip waitresses in fancy restaurants and only throwing coins into fountains not notes (and credit cards). In fact I’m so happy with my monetary progress I might splurge a bit next week. Could I have another bottle of champagne waitress and if you’re quick, there’s no tip in for you (wink).

Of course, some people might say. Why only make these resolutions at the beginning of a year rather than just try to improve yourself over the whole year? Well the simple answer to these people is you should make a resolution to keep your nose out of my business. You’re lucky I resolved to be more courteous because otherwise I’d be all over you like scalding cheese.

The most important thing to remember at this time of the year though, is to not get too bogged down with our resolutions. Because you might be concentrating so hard on eating less chocolate it may turn out that you’re been murdering people or committing treason and not realising it. Okay, you could say on the eve of 2009: “Well I should probably significantly lower my killings next year and show more allegiance to my mother country.” But I think it would be better to keep track of your everyday behaviour as well as the goals that you set yourself in the New Year. The cops have got enough on their hands you murdering treasonist.

Maybe next year I won’t resolve to do anything different. I’ll just have to make a firm beginning-of-the-year decision to steer clear of resolutions altogether. You’ll see, at midnight the 1^st of January, I’ll sit there smugly and make a definite commitment to ignore resolutions. You won’t see them sneaking up on me, I’ll make a special 2009 promise on that.

So long resolutions.

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Be Careful Where You Exhale - RIAA

I may be British but I believe this might affect all of us.

READ THIS IF YOU PLEASE.

If you are an American citizen and you buy a compact disc tomorrow, be very careful what you do with it because the Recording Industry Association of America is watching you. The RIAA have got guys posted on top of the largest structures on Earth with frighteningly powerful telescopes watching your every step. They’ve got spyware clambering through the broadband cables checking all your PC movement. And they’ve got terrifying justice droids waiting to be unleashed upon your soft malleable flesh if you dare to copy that CD to your computer.

Yes lawfully buying a CD and copying the songs onto your MP3 player is a crime. Apparently when you buy a CD, you own that physical copy but not the media on it. Therefore if you copy the music to your computer you are committing a heinous crime; you’re effectively depriving a poor helpless record company executive that golden toilet seat he wants for his 300 foot yacht and for that you will feel the full force of the RIAA’s mechanized law upholders. And heaven help those who might share the CD with a friend or family. They’ll probably be strung up by their intestines and beaten like the media thieving piñatas they are. Think of the executives. Think of their wealth. If nothing else think of their yachts.

It worries me because I’ve been donating unwanted games, music and books to charity shops for some time. But will it turn out that I only owned the physical products but not the media within them? Will I be hunted down for this and beaten within an inch of my life and told I should have hoarded all those books, games and music in the colossal mansion that I must own or the warehouse space that until now had remained a mystery to me? Or should I have just had it recycled into a golden toilet seat?

More importantly, if I ever find myself in the position of giving mouth to mouth resuscitation to a dying man/woman/girl/boy, should I just keep the breath inside my own lungs? I mean I really don’t know if I own the complete rights to the air that I breathe. Heaven help me if I ever passed it on to someone else before paying a ‘suit’ for the royalties to it.

And also I have many pets that get constant delight in the little titbits I give to them after a hearty meal but I may only hold the rights to the actual product and not the ingredients, so they’re going to have to go without from now on, unless they want poor Muramusu to waste away in prison.

This might only be the RIAA saying these things at the moment but I’m sure executives from industries all around the globe are wringing their hands in glee right now. Because depending on what the outcome of this is, a lot of fat cats might be adding golden toilet seats to their shopping lists quite soon.

Let’s all take a deep breath and hope sanity wins out in this instance but be careful where you exhale.

First stop on the New Year’s Express train - 2008.

2007 is finished. Right now it’s packing its bags ready to go to that place that all years go when they’re done. The history book retiring home.

How was your year? Was it everything you’d hoped for? Did you complete any of your new year’s resolutions? Can I have your high definition television please?

I would love to say I had a good 2007 but to be honest, I barely got used to it. And now the 1^st of January has come a whoopin’ and a hollerin’ into my world like a boozed up cowboy on his steed 2008. And I’m just not ready for him.

52 weeks just doesn’t seem long enough to get through all the important things I need to do in my life. I mean in 8760 hours, I’ve somehow got to recoup my gambling losses, take my annual holiday to Tibet, watch the entire box set of Charlie Chaplin movies and eat my dinner (which for 2007 was spaghetti and meatballs) I’m a busy guy and 525600 minutes is not acceptable anymore. I’m going to put my name on that petition for extending 365 days to something nearer to 400. And if such a petition doesn’t exist, I’ll start one. You’ll see, in 12 months I’ll have a petition so long that it’ll take 31536000 seconds to read all the names on it. That’s a year to you and me.

I do wonder what 2008 will hold for us all though. I’m not just talking about whether you’re going to get that fancy motorbike you’ve lusted after for years or that special haircut you read about in a celebrity magazine. I mean how 2008 will treat us all as a species – the human species.

It seems that the world is in a state of flux at the moment. There seem to be more natural disasters than ever before and we’re constantly being told that the globe is warming up – I think they call it Earth Heating or something. It just makes me wonder if our planet is starting to get a bit annoyed by our presence. What with all the fighting and violence we exact on each other and subsequently on our world, perhaps it just doesn’t want us around any more.

Life is such a precarious balance of various equations that if just one of those equations was altered by a certain celestial body at the end of their tether then we might find ourselves struggling to survive. We might even drop a notch on the food chain. I believe Dolphins are next in line. Do you really want those once friendly sea mammals running out of the oceans to crack us in the face with their deadly bottlenose head butts before feasting on our carcasses? I know I don’t. I’m usually a big fan of our flippered friends but I won’t hesitate to gun one down if it comes after me for flesh food. Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that.

Of course, there’s lots too look forward to in 2008. Lots to make us proud of our species – the human species. After a recent lack of outer space success, I have it on good authority that next year will be a landmark in other world exploration. Before the end of 2008 – and you can take my word on this – there will be a living thing walking on the surface of Mars. Not a man, but a tortoise.

Scientists say it will take Cody 50 years to walk the surface of the planet outfitted with the latest high-tech investigative equipment embedded into his shell. Contact will be kept at all time in so that the guys at NASA can listen in to the sounds of Mars, although they admit most of the time they’ll be listening to the loud munching of Cody feasting on lettuce leaves from the food parcels that’ll be dropped for him. Scientists are also hoping that after correlating the data that Cody collects, they’ll be able to devise a plan for the colonization of the red planet by our species – the human species. We could be moving planets within the next century. Also it’s believed that Mars doesn’t hold any grudge against us; of course she hasn’t met us yet so let’s hope that Cody makes a good impression. Good luck Cody. Pray for Cody.

So what do you think your 2008 will be like? What have you got planned? Have you set yourself any New Year resolutions? Can I have your high definition television please?

Happy New Year.

Let’s just hope it lasts a little longer this time, because I’m a busy man with a lot to do. First on my 2008 list: Modern Times by Charlie Chaplin. If only I had a high definition television to watch it on. Well - maybe next year.

 

Christmas is here again. Did you miss him?

Christmas day is here. You can even see him if you wish. Go to the window and look outside. That bright light you can see isn’t the light of the sun, its Christmas Day and he’s here to blind you with his festive charisma. If you open the window he’ll even come in and occupy your residence for 24 hours. Words of advice though, hide the booze; Christmas day soaks up the tipsy liquid like a sponge and doesn’t like sharing.

So Christmas day is here and all around the world children will be waking up full of energy to see what Santa has left them under the tree. And when they see the presents sitting there waiting to reveal their secrets, they’ll mount an attack on the wrapping paper with a gusto rarely seen outside of a starving lion discovering a sleeping antelope. I hope that they get what they asked for though because children have yet to learn the ‘it’s-just-what-I-wanted’ look that we adults try to perfect every year. Children do what we’d all like to do when faced with a bad present; look disappointed before throwing the unwanted gift at a hard surface.

I’m quite lucky though because I have much the same face whether I’m happy or not (check the picture at the top of page) So while this means that I never show disappointment at a bad present, it also means that I don’t show any sign of happiness at a good one either. I’ll be honest; Christmas day is often quite a sombre and awkward time in my household.

Of course it’s better to give presents than receive anyway. I pride myself on giving great presents so that I never have to see disappointment on a friend or relatives’ face. I really do my research. This involves many hours of painstaking observation of their day to day lives, keeping track of their important documents (I rifle through the garbage) and checking emails and other online movement. So by the time the Christmas period rolls around, I know the perfect gift for them. And if they ever show any sign of disappointment, I can bring out all the personal data I’ve gathered over the year and prove conclusively that I was correct in buying that particular present. You’ll find no one asks for the receipt when presented with that kind of evidence. No siree.

Before you know it. Christmas day will be coming to an end. As quick as he was to appear, Christmas day will be gone. Jumping through your window without so much as a goodbye and probably grabbing another bottle of wine on the way out. And it’ll be you who has to clean up all the mess. And what a mess it’ll be. Wrapping paper everywhere, plates full of half eaten turkey to clear away and a strange man sitting in an armchair that may or may not be a relative – you’ll be too tired or drunk to remember. It’s around about this time, that you’ll probably think. No more celebrations. No more anarchy. And no more special days of the year coming into my home and causing so much trouble.

I’ll see you on New Year’s Eve then.

Christmas Lights at Night - All right!

Walking home in the dark is a fantastic experience at Christmas time. The reason being, you get to see people’s Christmas lights in all their illuminating-the-gloom glory. I actually finish my job at 2pm but I just wait around in the lobby until darkness falls so I can see all those lovely lights. To be honest, I should probably tell the secretary that’s why I’m sitting there silently for so long, because I’ve heard rumours she’s getting creeped out and may resign.

I see so many homes adorned with twinkling lights as I make my way home. It’s such a joyous sight, that it really puts a spring in my step and I usually arrive home on a wave of festive cheer. But tonight a warm glow coming from within one home caught my eye and I just couldn’t resist stopping to take a peek. So I pressed my face against the glass and gazed inside. The parents and children seemed so happy wearing their woolly sweaters and laughing by the fireplace, they even had the pets involved by putting tinsel on the dogs and little reindeer antlers on the cat. In fact, so charming was the scene that it was a real shame when the glass gave way and I fell into their sitting room bringing a lot of their decorations down with me. Unfortunately the festive cheer must have deserted this particular family because the father chased me out of the house with a poker while the children shouted obscenities through the empty window pane.

I actually went back later with a peace offering gift of a Christmas Pudding covered in Brandy butter, I even set the pudding alight for the full experience, but they wouldn’t open the door so I pushed it through the letterbox for fear of wasting it.

Have you noticed how lovely the lights of fire engines look in the dark? Makes me feel all Christmasy again.

Winter Wonderland/Wasteland - You decide.

Winter is most definitely here. I just saw him outside and he’s throwing his weight around like some kind of drug overload. He roared up in a Mercedes not long ago and started flashing his headlights in my eyes – the big oaf.

So temperatures are really dropping at the moment. And that can only mean one thing, that winter’s right hand man Jack Frost is going to be putting in some appearances. When winter wants to show everyone who’s boss, Jack Frost is the character he calls upon to get the message across.

You’ve probably heard the song ‘Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire’ most famously sung by Nat King Cole. Well in that, apparently all Jack Frost does is nip at your nose. I’ve got Chinchillas so I know what a nose nipping feels like and we could only hope that Jack Frost would do something as innocent as nipping our noses. But he’s a spiteful little lunatic and seems to take a real pleasure in causing as much pain as possible. I was out tonight in the cold and to be honest it felt like Jack Frost was having his wicked way on my nose and fingers with a pair of pliers. Luckily I got inside before he broke out the hammer and chisel.

Be careful out there. He takes no prisoners.